I haven’t written in awhile. For a lot of reasons. But mostly because I have been living on shifting sands. I’m living in a new state. I have new work that I am tackling. Mostly, though, I have felt lately that, at least in online forums, we are throwing boulders, meant to instill fear and inflict damage. We are not trying to take our ideas and bring them together with others in order to build something worthy and beautiful. We are missing opportunities to see the world with eyes of love, to speak in ways that affirm the dignity of every human being.

Public discourse has broken down. We have been mired in a mentality of attack and defend. We have become righteous, but not in the good sense of the word. We have a stance of not hearing any voice that doesn’t agree with us–and of attacking and diminishing the PEOPLE who are saying things we find disagreeable. For many months, it has rendered me silent because I don’t know how to contribute meaningfully in this forum.

“Why do you see the speck in your neighbor’s eye but do not notice the log in your own eye? Or how can you say to your neighbor, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ while the log is in your own eye?  You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your neighbor’s eye.” — Matthew 7: 3-5

Today, I figured out what I want to say. The reason that human beings have so many different opinions is that we are the sum total of our experiences. No two human beings have had exactly the same experiences. The experiences that we have been through shapes our world view. That means that nobody, not you, not me, has the whole truth. Our strength and wisdom grows out of our ability to bring the sum total of those together to build a world that lives into the vision that every human being is worthy, that every person matters.

Ask a question...or ten

I recently heard a saying that I really resonate with: Get curious before you get furious. (Side note: Paul Saginaw, co-founder of Zingerman’s Deli out of Ann Arbor, Michigan, has been credited with the first version of this, “When furious, get curious.”) It jibes with something I have believed (and practiced with greater or lesser success) that, when we meet someone with whom we vehemently disagree that the best course forward is asking at least ten questions before making a statement. And not trick questions, real questions. And then we have to really listen to the answer.

• How has your experience has led you to this belief?
• What are you afraid will happen if we don’t do/say/believe what you are talking about?
• Can you give me an example of how you see that idea working?
• Can you tell me more about where you see the root of this problem?
• How do you see this path impacting/effecting those on the other side of the conversation?

Do you see where I am going here? Statements have the potential to be experienced as hurling boulders of hate. Think about it: How do you feel when you hear someone say “My ideas matter.” You might feel a little bit like your ideas matter less. When someone says, at the start of a conversation, “I don’t agree with you,” you might hear “You are the problem.” Questions create loving spaces for understanding. Questions create liminality, a threshold space that admits that there might be a new thing, a new idea, a new way forward that we haven’t found yet. Questions admit the no one has all the answers. Questions underline the belief that we need one another.

The current debate has washed away any middle ground that might have ever existed…and we need to build it back up. We need to create a peninsula of conversation in the sea of galvanized hate speech around us. We need a place where groups of people can bring granules of truth to build something that resonates with everyone, that recognizes the nuance of every situation. We need to invite voices that are different than ours. We need to let them speak first. That’s a big ask. I know that. And I believe that this is the path toward evolution rather than revolution–the path that lets us look at the realities, fears and hopes of everyone involved in a way that invites a loving solution.

One caveat here: I am not asking anyone to take abuse or condone hatred. Make no peace with oppression. I am suggesting that we make room for differences when discussing complicated and nuanced issues. So saying “Based on my experience, I have come to believe xyz” is a fine thing. Saying “If you believe that, you are going to hell” is not a fine thing. Nor is saying “I believe that I have a right to destroy, dismiss or disregard people like you.”

Remember what the Presiding Bishop of the Episcopal Church, the Rt. Rev. Michael Curry said “If it’s not about love, it’s not about God.” Let that be our focus as we work together to find a truth that is bigger than any one person.

PS: I am acutely aware that using sandcastles as a metaphor invites the commentary that these structures are struck down every time the sea comes rolling onto the beach. I use it because I think that our ideas need to evolve and change as we understand more about love and more about God. That, however, is another blog for another time.